Hello everyone. I know this is a health and beauty, but today I want you guys to know a little bit more about me and my life so far as well as how God has impacted my life. It's not a very sad story, but I do think that a lot of you can relate in some way. There are some curse words, so I do apologize in advanced. So...I guess let's start...
I was born into the world with a mother who was doubtful of her religion and an Atheist father. That's not to say my parents were bad, they are amazing parents and I couldn't be more thankful for them. With that said, I went to church when I was little...but not for long. My mom felt that God wasn't necessary and was not real and became an Atheist alongside my father. So, I grew up in a complete Atheist household. I didn't get a chance to know God. While I was still a young child, certain things occured in my life that had a longterm effect on me and my personality. When I was very young, I was sexually molested and it escalated to rape one time. It had haunted me for 12 years. Because of that, I was a very indecisive and insecure child...and it only got worse when I was teenager. In middle school, I was sexually harrassed on almost a daily basis. When I finally told my mom, we had gone to the principal and police about it. They did absolutely nothing. They suspended the boys for 5 days...and sent back into the classroom where they sat next to me. After I reported them, a teacher told me that I should have spoken up sooner and that I made things difficult for them. This made me feel terrible. I felt like it was my fault that they targeted me. That they would continue to make remarks and they even wrote on the walls of the classroom "Taylor is a Bitch." I couldn't walk with my head held high. They would steal things out of my locker. They would still torment me. I blamed God for every bit of it. I blamed him for allowing me to develop the way I did. I blamed him for making me vulnerable and sensitive. I blamed him for making me too nice. But, my lucky break came when I was accepted to go to Japan as an exchange student. Just to get away from everything was enough to make me cry. This was God's way of taking me out of a bad situation, I didn't know it though at the time.
Japan was amazing for me though. It opened me up to something I love to do: travel. It brought me out of my comfort zone and placed me in a brand new experience where I didn't have to worry about what was going on back in California. I was with people so welcoming and they took such good care of me. I was very sad to leave them and very sad to come home. The only thing I wanted to see were my parents. I couldn't remember their voices. Once I came home, I had a new perspective on life, however ALL the insecurities were still there. After I came back from Japan, we ended up moving back to Virginia. The relief of being away from middle school, the people and teachers who tormented me. I was now moving on to high school and it's then that God really started to show himself to me. After middle school, my insecurities became more evident to my family. I remember trying to go shopping with my mom and I would come home crying saying that I hated myself, I hated my body, I don't like who I am. My poor dad had to hear me cry and cry about how much I hated myself. Slowly but surely, the crying, the constant sleeping after school, and loss of appetite at time took it's toll on me. I began smoking and drinking by the time I was 16 and when I turned 17, I was at the hookah bars every day. It sucked and I really hated the way my life was turning out. But the time I was 17 I had lost 50lbs. I looked disproportionate, I had constant back pain, and it just...didn't feel like me. I was still JUST AS insecure as before if not worse. So, the summer of 2010, I took a trip to South Carolina for a college visit. And that's when me and Anthony began talking. He and I went to the same high school together, however he graduated 3 years before me. When he asked me out, our relationship was nothing like it is today. We got so irritated with each other, we didn't have God, we just...weren't in a position to be dating each other. So, we broke up. After that, we decided mutually to really start focusing on ourselves and eventually trying to build a relationship with God. Around August of 2010, a friend of mine and Anthony invited us to a D-Xampl meeting. Me and Anthony felt something different about this group. It was a group that if I had any questions in regards to God and Christianity in general, they had logical answers that were supported in the Bible. It drew me in. God became more evident in my eyes and my heart and I began to feel and see his blessings more and more.
Slowly, I began to realize that I had blamed God for my insecurities, for the torment, for everything that went wrong. I didn't see the good in any situation. God used Anthony to bring me to Him, to introduce me to his friends who knew the Word, to bring me to church for the first time since I was little. He prayed for me, he listened to me, and he was my comfort when I questioned God. Anthony was the first person to know about the time I was raped, about the molestation. I hated my rapist. I was angry, and I had terrible nightmares about what happened. But Anthony reminded me that anger will lead me nowhere. God wanted me to forgive him...but it's not that easy. We both knew that. But God's Word is amazing. It can heal past wounds that have destroyed you. So, Anthony bought me my first Bible which I still have today. All this, while we were broken up. In thanks, I made him breakfast and would drive up to bring it to him, I would do anything for him. I would pray over mine and Anthony's relationship, our future individually and together, and also to show me a sign of what our relationship is supposed to be: friends or couple destined to get married. Every night. And God showed me sign. We went to a Lecrae concert in Virginia Beach with some D-Xampl members. I hadn't eaten the whole day just because I really didn't have an appetite and nothing looked yummy. We ended up getting right up to the stage when we arrived, little did I know that it was going to be HOT and the dude infront of me kept throwing his elbow back and almost hitting me in the face. Mix it all together and BAM. I passed out. I don't know for how long, but all I remember was trying to grab ahold of Anthony's shirt. When I came to, Anthony was kneeling beside me saying "Taylor are you ok?" and helped me up and took me straight outside. He didn't leave my side. The nurse and security took me backstage to get something to eat and some sugar in my system. Anthony was there watching over me. I was told to not go to the front because of the heat and the rapid light movements. I felt terrible, because Anthony was so pumped but he stayed in the back with me. I told him he could go, but he said he won't leave me in the back alone. That was when I knew. This was my future husband. God answered my prayers shortly after. On December 1, 2010, Anthony asked me to be his girlfriend again. Ever since, our relationship has been nothing but a blessing. And after he asked me out, many blessings have arrived. March 15, I got a call for a job interview. April 24th, I started my job with a great paycheck. June 18th, I graduated high school with high honors. October 19th, I bought my first car. This year brings many blessings as well. But God has really shown me so much since 2010.
Now that my relationship with God has grown...my trip to Israel seems so much more than a trip. It is Israel where I am getting baptized for the VERY first time. I will be baptized in the same river that Jesus was baptized in. God has big plans for me and Anthony. With our relationship with Him, our relationship with each other, our business aspirations, and everything else. He has helped me overcome my insecurities, my past, everything that was, that is, and that is yet to come. He has provided me with a man of God, friends of God, and a loving family that accepts me no matter who I believe in. I'm thankful for each day I am alive regardless of how it goes. I know that God is there watching me. I know that God is going to continue blessing me. I hope you guys really felt my heart in this. I don't want to tell you to believe in God. I don't want you to feel pressured. But know that if he can lead me away from torment, the insecurities, the smoking, the drinking...then he can get you through it too. Today, I can proudly say that I have changed my life for the better. I no longer feel tormented. I no longer feel the insecurities. I have forgiven my rapist, those behind the sexual harrassment, and those who have done me wrong. I feel beautiful, because God does not have ugly children. All of his creation is beautiful. I feel happy because God has allowed me to live another day and has given me another chance to see my family and my boyfriend. He has allowed me many opportunities. I am so thankful. And I know God has many more things for me and I am excited for each and every one of them. With that said, (I say that a little too much), I thank you all for taking time to read my blog, to read my reviews and my posts, to read the personal posts, and everything. Each and every view is so meaningful to me. We've reached over 700 views. Thank you all. I hope you guys enjoyed this post and found it as meaningful as I did. I hope you all have an amazing rest of the week.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." -
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Thanks for reading~! <3
With love,
Taylor Rae
P.S. - Be sure to follow me on Twitter @TaylorRae319 and Anthony @DJiPray!!!
